Merry Thanksgiving!

11/22/18

Happy Thanksgiving, Guardians! Unless of course you are in England watching Keeping Up Appearances at your Nan's house, celebrating your own Thanksgiving and thanking all the weird puritans for fucking off. Regardless of where you are here's a Xûrkey card to share some universal good vibes.

RIP Edge Transit

10/16/18

Today's sandbox update brings new additions to the heavy loot pool and as such Edge Transit should drop less frequently. I am reminded of a story (this is 100% true). Years ago I lived in Chicago and rode the Metra to the suburbs every day for work. The Metra is the cities double-decker commuter rail that serves the suburbs. It’s basically like an Amtrak train except instead of taking you to scary parts of Ohio it takes you to insurance and tax companies. The Metra stop where I picked the train up was in an industrial ghost-town part of Chicago's west side that was eerily void of life and didn’t have much going for it other than a really sweet liquor store (just south of Western and Chicago if you know the area). I think that area is all condos now, but so is the rest of Chicago.

Anyway, one particularly brutal winter evening I got off the Metra at this stop as per usual. The arrival platform was kind of up on a little hill and there was an enclosed, paved ramp that went down to street level. About 15 or 20 of us got off the train and started our way down the ramp. This enclosed sidewalk/ramp thing was probably about 80 feet long and midway through it makes an approximately 120 or so degree turn (like, picture a slightly bent arm) for the last leg to street level.

One harsh-goddamn-dreary-balls-cold Chicago evening my fellow commuters and I are speed walking our way through the cold air and down the ramp and right at the bend there is a gigantic poop in the corner on the pavement. Just right there, cozied up in the corner of the bend. It was fresh. It was human. It was impossible to not see. Nobody said anything. It was dead silent save for the heavy breathing of air coming in and out of scarves and face masks. Everyone busied themselves by and dismissed it as just one of those things and continued along. And so it goes that for the next couple of weeks everyone who went up and down that ramp had to lay eyes on this big ol’ human poop. But since it was so frigidly cold the poop quickly froze and over time started evaporating and shriveling up. It kind of became this presence in the day-to-day routine of our lives. It was just there and we accepted it. It wasn’t going anywhere and besides it was frozen solid so was more or less innocuous. There are much worse things to see on the streets of Chicago.

Well, as I said before this went on for a couple of weeks. Then, one evening, just like the night before that and the night before that and so on and so forth, about 15 or 20 of us got off the train at our usual stop and made our way down the platform. Only this evening, however, something was different. As we walked down, anticipating the poopsicle in the bend, it was gone. In its place was a pineapple. Just sitting on the ground leaning against the bend in the wall. It was fresh. It was tropical and vibrant. It was a whole, real PINEAPPLE. Everyone hurried past and I don’t think anyone said a single word about it, but I have to assume that everyone was as equally flummoxed about this as I. Who the fuck moved the poop? Who the fuck replaced the poop with a goddamn pineapple? Why aren’t we talking about this? Is it really so cold that we're not going to at least stop for a second to ponder this for a moment? Was this a symbolic gesture by a particuarly polite city street-cleaner well-versed in the language of hospitality and etiquette? I wonder: does anybody else out there ever wonder about the time that a frozen poop magically transformed into a pineapple?

May all of your Edge Transits decrypt as shiny new pineapples today.

Hottest Awoken Contest Winner

10/9/18

2,776 of you voted and the results are in: Mara Sov is the hottest Awoken. With nearly 75% of the vote she won by a country mile. Our fantasies are now supported by irrefutable scientific evidence.

Mara Sov: 74.7%   |   Petra Venj: 16.2%   |   Uldren Sov: 9%

Xûr's Hot Poop Buffet

10/2/18

Imagine that you are having a nightmare. In this nightmare you walk into a restaurant, and it's one of those all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants but the second you walk in you are overwhelmed by the smell of feces. As you look around you notice that there is nothing to eat on the buffet tables except bowls of hot steaming poop. The restaurant stinks to high hell and it takes everything you have in you to not barf. You turn and run but instead of going outside you end up in an infinitely long room full of endless rows of tables lined with metal chafing dishes and they are also full of poop, and they even have those little sterno cans to keep the poop inside pipping hot. Xûr's there. He's walking up and down the rows of tables with a box of matches making sure the sternos stay lit. You hear him laugh each time he lights a match. SUDDENLY YOU WAKE UP! You are at home safe and sound in your bed, naked, laying next to your Grandma. She's also naked. You may have just banged her. You are still stuck in a nightmare! A nightmare within a nightmare. Just like the Freddy Kreuger movies. Grandma rolls over and she is wearing Xûr's hooded cape and she says, "SPEAK TO ME." You wake up for real, startled, sweating. You pinch yourself. Grandma is nowhere to be found. Your clothes are on. You say to yourself, "Good Lord, what was THAT all about." And then you realize, "Oh yeah, I went to wherethefuckisxur.com earlier today and saw what Xûr was selling this weekend.